Honestly, I have never been more happy with myself. I don't have near as much body shame as in the past. Women tend to have so many imagined inadequacies, and I am no different.
A postpartum body can be difficult to love, but it is worth it. Not just for ourselves, but for our children. I already see so many of my actions reflected in my beautiful little girl. She joins me in the bathroom as I brush my hair, she begs for her own toothbrush when I grab mine, and she is always watching for my reactions to new people and places. If I don't want her self-worth to be tied to arbitrary beauty rules of society, then I have to start with me. I've been especially working on doing things because I love them, not because I am worried about how others will see me. It is a lifelong work in progress. The results, so far, have been tremendous. I can see a noticeable difference in my attitude toward myself.
The biggest result was in my admittance that I was unhappy with my weight. When at the lowest points in my body shame I would try to push everything away. Compliments, comments, advice, suggestions; all fell upon cynical ears. Any mention of weight or exercise nearly sent me to tears. Even the most well-meant concerns from my own mother (who I can always trust to be honest and kind with me) were met with contempt. Anything nice said about me was a lie. My solution was to ignore the problem entirely. I have a feeling that if this attitude continues I will find myself in a trap of internal self-loathing and comfort eating. I feel I should clarify, I am not to a point where I could be considered obese, but I am overweight. I am a particularly small person, and to let myself pretend that I am in an average weight bracket compared to women significantly taller than me is irresponsible.
As a younger person I had the extreme fortune of being in possession of a "hollow leg." I never had to worry about my caloric intake, or my sugar allowances. I fell into some unhealthy habits. Now I must face the reality that I am older and, while I have the same body, it can not be expected to operate outside the laws of time and nature. I can't allow myself to eat like a worry-free 16 year old anymore.
I can not stress enough that I am proud of myself. I am willing to accept my flaws with humility. I am not starting a diet in search of a perfect body. I love my body. I do not have expectations of looking like a movie star, or instantly ridding myself of any and all body issues I may have. I am doing this to be a healthy and happy person. I am doing this because I am tired of being tired. I am not looking for a quick solution to shed a few pounds and return to my old habits. I am starting an overhaul of mind and body.
Last night I put together my three-fold goal for a happier Julie:
- Clean eating
- Clean living
- Clean heart
Clean living is meant to encompass the state of my home, my finances, and my relationships. Clean heart refers to my spiritual well-being. I want to get more out of my church attendance, which will be much easier after Erika is old enough for nursery, but also my private worship. These are three things that I can not afford to neglect. These are obviously not things that can change overnight, but I hope to improve them over time.
If you happened to read this all the way through, I would just like to mention that this is something very serious and dear to me. It really is not in my nature to share this kind of thing publicly, but Chris thinks it would be good for me and I feel like some accountability would be beneficial. I know from failed past attempts that clear definitions and expectations of goals are a key part of success. This blog is meant to get two birds with one stone. I'll share my goals and my (hopefully) triumphs. But I'll also share my regular stuff too. :)
Goals for this week:
Order a digital scale, because I know our old one is offGo grocery shopping, focus on healthy alternatives, fruits and vegetablesMake a weekly menu plan- 3 small healthy meals and 2-3 snacks each day
- Water only! 64oz, at least, and 16oz before each meal
- No eating out
- 30 minutes cardio everyday
- 30 minutes weight training every other day (Chris is really excited to help with this one)
Wish me luck!
Julie, you are awesome. I support everything you have goals to accomplish, they are good goals for me, too. Way to go, putting some deep feelings out there. I can appreciate that :) good luck and love you!
ReplyDeleteI think you're beautiful the way you are! But getting in shape is a very worthwhile goal regardless, just to be as healthy as possible. I struggle with my weight every day... obesity runs in my family and I'm determined to not let it happen to me. Here are a few tricks that have worked for me. Feel free to use or ignore any or all of them. :) First, I allow myself one treat per day. It's usually a small but good one, like a Lindor truffle. That way I have something to look forward to and don't feel so deprived that I eat everything in sight. I allow a regular-sized candy bar once per week. Second, I wear a pedometer constantly and try for at least 6000 steps per day, and preferably 10,000. Third, we have "sugar day" once per week. That is when we make cake, cookies, or whatever and have it for dessert. It's usually on Sundays, but if we make something on a different day, that is what is counted for the week. That way we don't have fresh, irresistible warm cookies sitting on the counter all that often.
ReplyDeleteYour goals are terrific and I wish you very good luck in reaching them!